Day 29: The Kennedys in Lincoln, NE

Rising out of bed at the timely hour of 7 AM, For the first time in almost a week, our team had something to truly look forward to: We would finally have a true home to stay at courtesy of Walker and Diane Kennedy. Smiling joyfully at the thought of a warm bed and home-cooked meal the six riders hit the road early, planning on arriving at the Kennedy household as quickly as possible. As with most days, however, there were unpredictable obstacles on the road today.

In following with recent tradition, a direct headwind from the west provided the riders with serious speed issues, causing the 98 mile day to take longer than expected. Passing cornfields for the umpteenth day, our riders found themselves conversing on a variety of topics. From a discussion on the Branch Dravidians, triggered by passing a town called Waco, to an argument on the effectiveness of humor in conveying a point across, it has become evident that the team is simply running out of things to talk about. Hundreds of miles of corn are not exactly stimulating sights either.

The second drawback of the day? The team would finally be entering a city with a population greater than 17. The fact that the rider's presence would not affect the demographic counter on Wikipedia was proof for the entire team, including the San Franciscan and New Yorker, that Lincoln is truly a city to be reckoned with. Rolling into the arms of the welcoming Kennedys and their country club was the perfect end to the day, providing our riders with a welcome rest.

On that note, a special thanks goes out to the Lincoln Country Club and to the Taylors for joining us at dinner, providing us with valuable life advice, and simply amazing hospitality and company. After a scrumptious meal, in which we learned the secret Nebraskan style of adding butter to corn, Claire, Shane, Jason, Zane, and Kirsten chose to take a driving/walking tour of the capital. Imagine their surprise at "finding" an "open" door to the famous Memorial Stadium, home of the University of Nebraska football team. Sanford, Shane, and Jason ran some plays on the famous turf of the inferior Big Red while the others hung out around the stadium. Eventually the riders made their way to the comforts of their temporary home, Shane, Claire, and Jason ending the night with an in-depth conversation on life at Stanford and the purpose of college with their hosts.

With a medium-length ride ahead of them tomorrow to Omaha, our team hit the sack fairly early, eternally thankful for the selflessness shown by their hosts and looking forward to the, with hope sans wind, day ahead of them.

Day 28: A Snow Day with our Soccer Mom

Monday’s weather forecast called for cats and dogs mixed with thunderstorms, and as the team closed their eyes on Sunday night, excitement was like that of an elementary school snow day: Homework was left unfinished, the heat was turned up, and everyone expected to have a relaxing day off. “I’m going to balance the checkbook all night since we don’t have to wake up early!” exclaimed the usually conservative Zane.

However, like many failed forecasts of the past, the rain held off and the riders were forced to pack their brown bags and go to school. “In my day, we never missed a day of school and we had to walk 10 miles to the bus stop,” reminisced the elderly Mike.



With flat roads ahead, the team wasn’t too dismayed by the surprise, taking their sweet time on their way out of the comfortable Holiday Inn. With Mike and Kirsten off to their usual early start, Claire, Sanford and Shane road out to catch them, and Jason attempted to get another five minutes of beauty sleep – unaware that he would need much more than sleep to fix his beautification issues.

Just as the riders were discussing the ease of the ride, Mother Nature had a chuckle and threw down a ferocious headwind that would surprise even Herman Melville's Captain Ahab. After 40 miles in the wind, the team took a break for lunch (offsetting their Sonic tradition with Subway) in downtown Gibbon, Nebraska. With another 40 plus miles ahead, the heavy hearts of the riders were lifted as they left Kearney and discovered that the wind had subsided.

Upon reaching Grand Island the team showered up and quickly headed out to grab some dinner. The exhausting 90 miles had taken all day, and the only thing on their minds was a scrumtrulescent meal. Pilled in the van, Momma Fish practiced her soccer mom skills and drove the team to Pizza Hut after their big ride. Handing out awards, pizza, and pop, Claire’s motherly colors shone brightest today, as she is now FACE AIDS certified to step into any PTA meeting and command charge.

Lincoln, Nebraska and a alumni home lie just under 100 miles away from our team, and after catching up with the world (and the blog) via the hotel’s internet, the team called the night early. Except for Sanford, who is still doing crunches and push-ups as I type these final words from the comforts of my bed.

Night mom.

Day 27: Hot Tubs and Vuvuzellas

Sunday mornings remind Sanford of being dragged to church; They remind Shane of being dragged to the temple, Jason of being dragged to the synagogue, Zane the barn, and Claire the showers for her weekly bath. But, for the elderly, wise Kirsten and Mike, Sunday mornings represent another day to have fun before the workweek starts.

Fittingly, the five underclassmen slowly arose from their sleep in the Mystery Machine to the departure of Mike and Kirsten on the day’s 66-mile ride. The sophomores had slept in after a long night on the road, while the almost senior citizens took advantage of their days of rest and arose bright and early for the ride. In hopes to arrive in Lexington before the start of the World Cup final, the kids quickly jumped out of their bed sheets and threw on their biking gear. It took two months and a goal from Landon Donavon for soccer to become America’s national sport, but now that it was at its pinnacle in America, the boys would not miss out on the finale. With Claire, shockingly, deciding to drive the Mystery Machine, the team saddled up with a drive and determination to make the ride in three hours. Team Diversity, Sanford and Shane, pressed early in the game, trying scoring an early goal so that they could settle into the pace of the game later on. In accordance, Team Muscle Milk, Zane and Jason, sporting matching tank tops, decided to relax through the first part of the game and find a rhythm before they made any moves. Mike and Kirsten, the long time favorites, had an advantage in goal differential leading up to this final match, but with the determination of four pressing behind them, they dropped their cameras and took to each pedal with a new found determination.

Averaging more than 21 mph the entire day, the group stage was won by Sanford and Shane, as they only acquired a Green Card during their ride. The Cow’s “moos” rang louder than vuvuzellas as Zane and Jason were booed finishing up the last 10 miles in shame.

Momma Fish, had done well with her driving job, getting the tired teams a deal at the luxurious Holiday Inn Express and as soon as the teams pulled in they had Lunchables and a flat screen TV ready to go. As the always knowledgeable Jason taught the team about the sport of soccer, though he hasno idea how to play the game himself, the Spaniards scored their goal and the referee had successfully screwed the Dutch out of their trophy. Sanford, noticeably upset by the entire fiasco, stormed out of the room ranting, “Team Jacob should have made the finals! He is much cuter than those Dutchmen!”

With the game over, and Zane’s muscles finally sore, the group took a relaxation session in the hotels hot tub and pool. And, after spending hours in the water, the pruny bunch finally had more wrinkles than Claire. With pool time came an ever-growing rumble in their stomachs, and the team hopped back into the Mystery Machine in hopes of finding a local eatery for dinner.

Lexington’s relatively high percentage of Hispanic Americans (over 50% of the population) and southern environment truly made Shane feel at home. With his newly purchased cowboy hat and freshly grown mustache, Mr. Hegde led the team to San Pedros for a traditional Mexican dinner. After many a Margarita and countless Tequila shots, the group stumbled back to the Holiday Inn with Chingy fashion and headed to bed to prepare for their 77-mile day to metropolis of Grand Island, NE.

Day 26: The Land Before Time

From the riders: The day began interestingly with Shane and Jason confessing to Sanford their desire to read Twilight, however lacking security in their masculinity, the pair decided against it. Shane settled to watching Lizzie Maguire reruns and Jason proceeded to consume 8 cans of Muscle Milk in attempt to compensate for even considering the idea.

And now on to the story…

Biking across America, you learn many valuable life lessons. One of which is how to maximize your dollar at tourist locations. After wasting more than enough of our cash in the carnival town that is Moab, Utah, we approached Mt. Rushmore with a new sense of direction. There was no need to pay $20 for a tour of the caves, the idea of a $50 helicopter ride sounded pointless, and it seemed unheard of to pay $30 to go to a reptile farm.


With a prudent nature imparted on us by Claire and Jason’s heritage, we left our regal hotel for another attempt at understanding the limestone faces and surrounding worshipers. With Jason’s Lincoln-esque facial hair leading us in discussion, we argued in true Stanford fashion the topics of the call to serve, citizenship, and the meaning of the stone faces. Agreeing only to disagree, our group finally pushed away from this national memorial and drove to one of another kind. Just 10 miles away from Mt. Rushmore is the Crazy Horse National Memorial and Native American National Museum. Not funded by federal money, it is truly a wonder that the monument is still under construction. The carving in the limestone of the black hills will depict Sioux chief Crazy Horse riding a, presumably crazy, horse. More interesting than Crazy Horse, however, is the next door statue called “Crazy Train.” Although ground has yet to be broken on this monolith, this next work will feature Ozzy Osborne, a real American icon. Though it is still unfinished, the “fifth face” made us rethink what it means to be American, and in following again with Jason and Claire’s heritage we chose to sit outside the park and study the work instead of paying $80 to enter.

Heading on a windy route back to North Platte, we tried to maximize our time and see as many of the sights in South Dakota as we could—despite the size of the state, this would prove fairly simple given there are only three attractions in the (cleverly named, might I add) “Mt. Rushmore State.” After our traditional Sonic lunch, we drove through Badlands National Park against Jason’s criticism. “Look, a mountain is a mountain, hills are hills, and Badlands will look exactly like Utah except it will be green instead of red.” To his dismay. however, the stone castles scattered throughout this national park were worth the drive and looked nothing like the canyons of Utah because they were green.

As children of the 90’s, this “Great Valley” reminded us of the hit animated film Land Before Time and we peered around each curve in the road with a childlike fervor only rivaled by Claire’s daily tantrums. Stopping to explore, the timid, somewhat cowardly pterodactyl Petri (named Jason in our saga) was coerced by the rough and tough triceratops Cerra (Sanford) to run across the salt flats and heard cows. With Moos louder than the roar of a T-Rex, the two frolicked through the fields as Ducky (Shane), Spike (Zane), Kirsten (to old to have a animated character name), and Little Foot (ha ha, think about the irony of Claire being named Little Foot) walked along the flats to find rocks.

Reconvening back at the car, the team traveled back into reality and began working their way back through the park. Apparently, though, the angered cows had texted some of their friends and set up a “Cattle against Jason and Shane” facebook group. However the means, word spread about the dynamic duo and after a couple miles of driving the car came to a sudden halt as it was surrounded by a heard of more than a hundred cattle. Transforming out of his Mexican state by removing the power of Zane’s cowboy hat, Shane referred back to his Hindu tradition to pray to the cows for forgiveness. With the power of the Ramayana, Shane managed to convince the cows to let the poor riders free, and they slowly marched away, leavening only hundreds of flies and a terrible stench behind them.

Determined to see a wild bison, the team ventured into the neighboring Buffalo National Park for Land Before Time IV (does anyone know why they used roman numerals in this movie? We had no all had no idea what they meant as kids). In the park, Kirsten, in true Eliza Thornberry Fashion, asked some of the local Prarie Dogs if they knew Timone from Lion King, while Zane, Sanford, and Claire all watched as Jason and Shane got in touch with their Old West Roots. In true Buffalo Bill fashion, the two got within 15 feet of the enormous Bison at the park, before the animals decided that enough was enough. Divorce and a debt ridden life flashed by Jason’s eyes as he realized that the stomping foot of the Bison could mean the end of his road. Managing to escape with only their lives, the two jumped back into the getaway vehicle and headed out of the Taft-financed national park.

In conversations with the always insightful Mr. Fisher, father to the much lesser insightful Claire Fisher, we were told to visit Wall, South Dakota on our way home. Wall is known as the “Window to the West” and is surrounded by an 80 mile radius of nothingness. In Wall, is the Wall Drug Store, made famous in the early twentieth century by providing free ice water to travelers heading west. This indoor mall/saloon/western Wal-mart provided Shane with an opportunity to acquire his own cowboy hat, gave Zane a chance to get some postcards, Jason a moment to get in touch with his Amish roots, Claire a reason to avoid eating, Kirsten a setting for more pictures, and Sanford with the realization that old is not better than new and Romeo and Juliet not as well written as Twilight.


Departing the historic mall, our exhausted bunch piled into the van one last time for the four hours left in the drive. Mother nature, desperate to teach us one last lesson before we left Dakota, provided us with a demonstration of her power as she thrust a electric lightening show miles ahead of us, a beautiful countryside sunset behind us, and a double rainbow in the rain directly in front of us. The scene was something out of a movie, as we drove on one of the loneliest roads in America through the multitude of conditions.

Day 25: Memories on the Road

Thus far, we have not met a single Nebraskan who has complimented their state. During last nights dinner at a local Saloon, even the waitress exclaimed, “just turn around and go back to Colorado as fast as you can.” Not only is Nebraska the most boring state in the Union but it in fact smells the worst as well.

Smiles brimming with enthusiasm, our group arose at the Roadway Inn in Ogallala prepared to bike the 52 miles to North Platte. Farmboy Zane, used to waking up before the sun rises, was the first out the door, as Shane, Sanford, Claire, and Jason all decided to get some extra shuteye. While a sick Kirsten and Mike pushed away in the Mystery Machine, the half-asleep foursome jumped back on to highway 30 for another leg past Nebraskan cornfields, cows, and trains. The always intellectually stimulated Jason, in an attempt to perfect his short-term memory, gave names to all 163-train cars that steamed past the bunch in great American fashion.

Arriving in North Platte just in time for lunch, our tumultuous group decided to take on its biggest task yet: cleaning out the van. From mold to hitch hikers, our van was stuffed to the brim with unnecessary amenities, and the two hours spent thoroughly cleaning each nook and cranny were well spent. Most importantly, after hosing down the van, the group was able to convince Claire that she needed a wash as well – paying the car wash company an additional $20 to send Claire through the much needed foam and bubbles will absolutely prove to be worthwhile use of FACE AIDS stipend.

After sharing pizza for lunch, our group jumped in their shady, unmarked white van and began their rest day with a 6-hour drive to visit Mt. Rushmore. With Mike deciding to stay in North Platte to service his bike and catch up on his movie watching, the remaining six riders were dazzled by the emptiness of Nebraska and South Dakota. Wikipedia said that the Great Plains would be flat, but none had prepared themselves for the miles of American land that lay lifeless before their eyes. 80 miles away, the team could see the Black Hills on the horizon, and with the help of U2, the team flew through the countryside where the streets have no names. After a long day on the road, it wasn’t long before the team had ascended the evergreen covered hills and laughed past the touristy town to see the faces of four American heroes etched in stone. Sitting among almost a thousand American citizens ft. Shane in the open-air auditorium, the team truly enjoyed the presentation by Smoky the Bear. With differing views on the night, the group managed to come together in their mutual desire for a bed and some food. Posing as a boy with family in Mumbai, Shane managed to find relations with the workers at the hotels front desk and the team struck a deal for two rooms at the highly acclaimed President’s View Resort. Mind you that any “Resort” in South Dakota is still a resort in South Dakota, and in opening up the blinds in their cozy rooms, the team chuckled at the picturesque view of a stone wall five feet in front of them.

With a hectic day past them, the inspired/ confused/ frustrated/ patriotic team collapsed on their beds and dreamt of what was to come. Their rest day in South Dakota had lots of promise, and they all swore to not leave the state without first taking a glimpse at the Americas true hero: The North American Bison.

Day 24: LeBron Cements His Decision

Now that we have fully recuperated from Lebron Jame’s shocking announcement on Thursday that he would be joining the Miami Heat and selling out on his hometown while renouncing the greatest city in the world at the same time, we are prepared to present you, our hungry readers with an update on our ride.

Rising from the comfort of their cramped and rough Ramada Inn beds in Sterling, the team was ready to hit the road for another 100+ mile day. The ride to Ogallala was predicted to be downhill and mostly flat; however, the reconnaissance team consisting of Shane and Jason that hit the road first brought texts of dismay. Not only would the ride be hilly, but the scenery as well would prove to be a downer. During a water break, the two were approached by a group of large, yet friendly cattle. Speaking only a few common words, specifically “moo,” the boys proceeded to start a game of tag with their new friends. As Momma Fish always says, “These things can end only with someonbody getting hurt.” The somebody in this case? The cows who ran across the highway and were massacred brutally by oncoming traffic.

Just kidding!!

No cows were harmed in the writing of this blog or on the course of this trip, save for those Jason orders for dinner and doesn’t finish.

On with our story: Kirsten was the day’s driver, chauffeuring Mike and his injured steed (read:bike). Sanford, Zane, and Claire left soon after the recon squad, catching up to the two of them as they “cowed” around. Hahahaha. Making use of a road currently closed to vehicles, the five riders continued to perfect their slipstreaming and drafting, adding in some three-man weave to the mix. Knowing they would be unable to stop running the drill until making 15 layups in a row, Shane, Jason, and Zane took over shooting duties. With a becoming-sick Sanford cheering from the bench and Claire attempting to boss the boys around as usual, our big three sunk the final shot and found a Subway waiting for them. Move over Lebron! After enjoying a fine meal, a paler and dehydrated Sanford joined Mike and Kirsten in the van to rest and the four riders head out to finish the final leg of the day’s journey.

Before they left subway, Mike and Kirsten had a very informative conversation with a local, Jesse, who has spent his entire 66 years living on the Nebraska side of the Colorado-Nebraska border. “My best advice,” he started, “get out of Nebraska as fast as you can.”

Finding his insights on life engaging and stimulating, the two finally hit the road some time later, only to come across an odd sight—a knee-deep concrete-dipped Jason. You see, the always adventurous New Yorker was so used to breaking the law, that upon biking up to a construction site, he instantaneously was compelled to push past the bright orange pylons plastered with “no trespassing.” As our aspiring Huck Finn brilliantly biked in uncharted territory, he accidentally rolled across some freshly poured cement and sank down to his knees mid-pedal. With workers screaming at him in words only Shane could understand, Jason flagged down the van and tried desperately to use whatever available water to wash his shoes and bike clean of the fast-drying construction material. Surely, Mr. Stein is sitting somewhere reading this and chuckling to himself. With the aid of a cement-mixer driver, Jason was able to hose himself down and rescue his horse. While Shane and Zane biked past and laughed at the hilarity of the image, Mike, Kirsten, and Sanford managed to stifle their giggles until it was clear that there would apparently be no permanent damage to the bike.

Although Zane and Shane’s dreams of frolicking with the cows were crushed by a necessary detour into Ogallala, the two enjoyed each others company as they discussed contemporary trends in the cowboy hat industry. Such riveting conversation truly made the ride fly by, and the two found themselves relaxing in the comfort of their rooms in Ogallala in no time. Recently showered Jason and never showered Claire, however, overshot the target by about 8 miles and were picked up by an effervescent Mike farther down the road.

Overall the day’s ride, though long and fraught with monotonous scenery provided our riders with what has so far been deemed the most entertaining of the entire trip: Jason, knee deep in cement, with no clue on whether or not he would be sealed in his bike shoes for all eternity. While the streets of New York may have prepared him for mob hits and dumps into the Hudson River, nothing would be able to compare to his feeling of stupidity after falling into that pit.

And now, the answers to the trivia questions:

1) 3792 children under the age of thirteen are estimated to be living in the USA with AIDS

2) The sarcastic paragraph was the Last one.

Somehow, nobody managed to answer these questions correctly. In fact, nobody attempted to answer them at all. With that in mind, consider the next week’s trivia questions as a provisional testing period to determine the value of trivia.

Days 22-23: Pure Bliss

Unfortunately, daily blog posts have not been the norm for some time now. Our visionary writers attribute this to the nature of the employment market: the truth of the matter is that Shane and Jason have become so nerve-wracked by the ongoing free agency of Lebron James that neither can sleep, eat, or, at any rate, blog. ESPN’s persistent coverage of every minor rumor regarding James’ future home has truly proven useful to our restless riders as their only sustenance.

With that in mind, please excuse potential spelling errors in the following piece of literary genius:

Waking up in the homey Stein house immediately made the team forget about its accommodations at the Ritz the night before. Well, maybe nobody will ever forget the Ritz Jacuzzi, but that doesn’t mean the team wasn’t continually amazed by the Stein’s help with all things, from breakfast to route planning and even pool lessons. Nonetheless, our riders awoke for a white water rafting trip down the world famous Clear Creek . As everyone made it groggily to the van, Zane sans cowboy hat for once, Shane sans identification papers, Claire sans makeup, Jason sans a shirt, and Sanford clearly “con” Twilight book, the team could only wonder if they would be able to ford the river without losing any oxen.

As usual, our team was more than satisfied with its rafting decision. Providing a challenge to our Stanford Rowers equitable to breaking 1:40.00 on a twenty minute erg test, the Class 3 and 4 rapids were more difficult than anything our riders had ever encountered. The trip, a lengthy 1.5 hours long, was filled with overly strenuous exercise, incredible conversation, and countless water breaks.

Those of us who had rafted before were disappointed; those who had not somewhat close-mindedly pledged never to make the mistake again. However, the entire rafting experience was not a waste—the trip was saved by the engaging talk our riders gave to the owner of the company about FACE AIDS and its microloan programs. It is true that even the roughest stone reflects some light. Thanks to excellent discussion, our rafting experience was, put simply, unforgettable.

Tuesday ended with amazing lasagna courtesy of the Steins. At the kids table sat Zane, Sanford, and Shane, a dinner party that quickly descended into chaos. When Zane refused to allow Shane to wear his cowboy hate, Shane took the oranges he brought to dinner from the plates of his tablemates. Zane ended up chasing Shane out of the house, over the fence, and across the Aurora Reservoir/Gulf, back into the undeveloped land south of the Stein household. Meanwhile, oblivious as usual was good old “Sanny” who continued to read Twilight and ponder the next location to place his smoothie cup. While Shane emigrated from the Stein’s, Jason and Claire enjoyed dinner with Mr and Mrs Stein. Wise, clever, and always witty, Mr Stein provided the lost New Yorker with directions home and advice on how to live a good life: Step 1/1 Renounce the Yankees and give up on the Knicks. As Claire tried to spirit away some lasagna so as to reverse-engineer it later, Jason simply nodded his head, ignoring every word out of Mr Stein’s mouth.

Finally, our team hit the hay, ready for its big (130 mile) ride the next day. Clearly the journey to Sterling, CO would be a wake-up call for out rested and lazy riders. Beset by tire problems and dreary skies, our riders found themselves resting on the side of the road for some time, discussing international politics, the potential for FACE AIDS expansion, and English tea. While Mike and Kirsten found their own Sacajaweas to aid them on their winding journey, the rest of the team played a round of the children’s game of GHOST. Despite Zane’s unique spelling prowess and Shane’s arguing for the acceptance of “mañana,” the game was quickly wittled down to our two contestants of the Book, Jason and Claire. Jason made short work of his cross-country rival, once more asserting New York’s dominance over San Francisco.

Eventually, the entire team made it successfully to Sterling. With high spirits after a truly rewarding, renewing, and purely amazing day, the team looks forward to the endless cornfields of Nebraska with an anxious fervor. Tomorrow, the ride to Ogallala, NE will be a mere 89 miles, providing no challenge at all for our always energized and enthusiastic team.


Belated Fourth of July Trivia: How many children under the age of 13 in the USA are estimated to be living with AIDS?

Bonus Question: One paragraph in this blog post is completely sarcastic. Can you guess which? (Hint: Replace the letter “f” in fast to find out!!!!)